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[02 Feb 2011|06:27pm]
so basically they won't give me subsidized loans cause my "efc" was too high. even though i have told them that my parents had to take out their IRA's to support our cost of living.

i don't doubt i'm middle class. i don't doubt there are students worse off than i am. but my parents have not had a sufficient income since 2005, if even that. even if the recession didn't happen we would still have suffered, though the recession just made it worse.

i want to sue the california education system.
5 comments|post comment

[01 Feb 2011|06:31pm]
one step at a time.

[31 Jan 2011|09:58pm]
praying and hoping

Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays [14 Dec 2010|05:17pm]

steel machines

[29 Nov 2010|09:06pm]
i pray the lord my soul to take...

GET SLEAZY [18 Nov 2010|08:10pm]


I just finished my research paper for a class I still haven't got the books for yet haha. I love making my life hard... Whatever, I don't see the point if I'm just going to have to sell them back anyway for half the price.

My 21st is coming up soon. I wouldn't be so pumped if my friends didn't hype it so much.

I need to graduate. I plan on taking my GMAT and going somewhere fancy for my MBA so I can make lots of money.
1 comment|post comment

[18 Nov 2010|07:15pm]


JUST SAW SAW 5 3D [29 Oct 2010|12:31am]

I would love to go on this long tangent about why I love the SAW franchise, and I often do in real life, but I'm too tired right now. I just want to write this since I just saw it.

What I do want to point out is that the reason why I love this franchise is because there's a saying that goes something a long the lines of "don't really know a person until they know they are about to die" and I really believe that. Besides the fact that SAW movies give people the fantasy of being able to make all the morally bad people suffer, it also shows what people will or will not do to survive. And since I've never been in a position where I've had to contemplate how to save my life (thank god[?]) I use the characters in these movies to compare what I think I would do to survive.

Don't get me wrong, SAW is gory and the acting in these movies can be somewhat atrocious. Someone said these movies are "gorny" (gore+porn) but I feel like usually that term is saved for sexualized violence against women, which is definetly common in you're simple slasher flick. I believe these movies are more thriller with gore. Not so much a horror movie. Because you're not supposed to root for the people playing the game. Maybe in the first movie with the drug addict, but these movies have dealt with gentrification, racism, and domestic abuse. There's definitely a point (though maybe minute) to these movies.

I hope you didn't read all of this lol...

Although I do want to say the first trap kind of irked me. I'm not sure if it was sexist or if it's just me reaching.
4 comments|post comment

[18 Oct 2010|11:08pm]
i feel great. thank you. you've been a great support. :)

[03 Sep 2010|07:01pm]

following the right path. blindly.

i know it's passed visiting hours, but can i please give her these flowers? [20 Aug 2010|06:55pm]

roses come to see me.

[16 Aug 2010|08:58pm]

Neon Hitch - What Starry Eyes Know (Ellie Goulding vs Two Door Cinema Club)

(which i just got from balcarin who said she got it from modernthirst but w/e you should just listen to it. i've downloaded so much music lately and not listented to a single song. i'm in such a music funk lately and i think i'm really waiting for katy perry's album to drop i don't know why or how i became so invested in her...

I've stopped using this for years now because I hate not being able to control who knows things about my life. It's not that I want this thing private, I still wouldn't use it that much even if it were. With that being said though I still wouldn't admit anything I'm about to say to anyone even if you asked me. I hate being negative.

I just got my first job in over a year. I was working as an intern at this film distribution place. It was a great experience, they really tried to teach me a lot. They also didn't keep me in the dark. The VP of Sales let me know that the distribution industry is slowly disappearing. The location I in worked was great, the people were so sweet, but I couldn't just reject a job offer. Especially with the financial situation I'm in now.

I found out a bought 2 weeks ago that my house is in foreclosure. I'm sure it would be a surprise to anyone but it was a huge surprise to me because 1.) I didn't know how bad finances were at home and 2.) my mom has worked with mortgages all her life. In fact she's a executive underwriter for mortgage loans right now, though she just got the job not too long ago as well.

Now I feel more pressure than ever to get up and get out of this house. I feel like it would be best for all involved. My brother just told me today my parents could't afford to have a birthday party for him this year and he was really upset. I just want him to have the same opportunities I had. (Granted I didn't really do birthday parties, I opted for the more lavish gifts instead. But still...)

I would never have imagined that my family would be where we are 10 years ago. I always believed my parents were good with money, and in fact that's what they lead me to believe. The sad thing is they probably are good with money and something like this still happened. (It was a few other series of unfortunate events my family has gone through including a lot of medical visits, surgeries, medication etc for everyone in the house but me.)

The sad fact is that I'm not the only person in this situation. As much of a capitalist I am I find myself re-evaluation my reasoning and motivations behind my capitalist beliefs. It's a pretty privileged view of the world, I know. But at the same time if life is a game I'm going to try to win. (I can be pretty competitive when it comes to games.)

Hopefully I won't fuck this job up. Hopefully I'll graduate in the Fall of 2011 as planned. Hopefully my life will be on track. Hopefully I don't sound like a sad and pitiful fuck who needs to man up and deal with his own shit. Because that's not how I meant it.

one of my biggest fears could be coming true... [05 Aug 2010|05:25pm]
i haven't felt this much anxiety in a long time.



I WANNA DO REAL BAD THINGS WITH YOU... [12 Jul 2010|09:15pm]

YAMAHA // A LOT OF PRETTY FACES [29 Jun 2010|11:52pm]


BEAUTIFUL, REVOLUTIONARY, ETC. [28 Mar 2010|01:10pm]

[27 Mar 2010|12:21am]
as someone who identifies with privileged and not-so-privileged social constructs, i really don't get all the defensiveness.

i especially don't see the reason for so many defensive comments from white people when she's really calling out black men. which i am. the same thing could be applied to gay black men as well. i've seen it.

i don't understand why people make comments that make them seem superhuman. why wouldn't you participate in oppressive actions / dialogue while the rest of the world does? especially since it's not something you can escape. i can admit i do it all the time. when you make comments saying you're not a _______ you're really giving your self an excuse to not listen to any criticism. instead maybe you should try to change you're actions so they aren't as oppressive.

i have nothing against bi/multi-couples. what i don't like is people not acknowledging that there could be some sort of subconscious, or just conscious, ulterior motive.

this post doesn't upset me at all. i just really want to know the reason for being so defensive. even if you think she's wrong you could still say something like "no" and move on with your life.

idk................ ramblings of a dark night tbh...

MY CHICK BAD, MY CHICK HOOD [19 Feb 2010|07:18pm]

Because I should give this journal a real update I'll give you some bullet points on what's been going on with my life recently:
  • I just started school again. I had to go back to community college because my uni's classes were all full before I was even able to sign up. PRIORITY REGISTRATION I NEED YOU.
  • I go through money faster than I should be. I need a loan soon.
  • Accounting is still difficult and this is the second time I've taken it. We're only on chapter 1 too!
  • Zac Efron is my idol. Though that's nothing new hehe.
  • So I'm supposed to be a volunteer for the NAACP Image Awards. Saturday was supposed to be my first day but I got so lost and I was so late. My professor (who is the volunteer manager ugh) called me and told me not to come anymore. My heart dropped I felt horrible. This is the same professor who I'm working under for an internship btw. I don't even...
  • Working out is hard. I've done this for a month and I'm not even at my weight goal. Which was only 20 pounds...
  • I think that's it. :)

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