i'm in a low place because every year i get to scared to actually invite people to my birthday party, but then when my birthday rolls around i get sad because i didn't do anything for my bday.
i guess i can celebrate it later, yeah?
so i haven't written in this for a long time and thought i should update it. should i start from the beginning? here it goes...
so after i graduated, and actually during my last semester i applied to places like crazy. i took the month of june off from my job as an office assistant at an insurance agency to find myself / have fun / focus on job applications that were perfect for my career goal.
during this break i had heard interest from a potential advertising agency, but they didn't bite. i got a job part time working in data entry at night so i was working 2 jobs for a while. it was tiring but good money.
i decided to finally reach out to my former supervisor at my old internship and he told me i couldn't have contact him at a better time. he told me positions were about to open and he would submit my resume. i followed up with him 2 weeks later cause i didn't hear anything and he told me to wait. (the absolute worst thing to hear.)
a few weeks later, maybe more like days, i got a call from the human resources director asking me if i was still interested and i told her yes. that same week she asked me if i could come in the net day to interview. i said yes. i went in for the interview nervous but happy i finally got an interview because that's the least that i wanted. i left feeling content and then 2 hours later i was offered the position.
i was ecstatic. it's everything i wanted. unfortunately they only have me a few days to leave my former job but i wanted it so i did it. leaving my day job wasn't hard because they understood and i've been with them for 2 years. however it was hard leaving the night job. not because it was the bank being an asshole but it was the staffing company that found me the job that were assholes. he said i could never work at the bank or another staffing company again but i didn't care. (staffing companies are assholes)
i started my job about 3 weeks ago and it was overwhelming. still is. so much work to do however everyone is so nice there and embraced me when i showed up for my first day. my work became so overwhelming i began to do up to 11 hour days without a lunch and worked weekends too. it was so much i cried one day at my desk, while doing work, because it was so much. the next day was just as bad. someone committed suicide and we had to evacuate the building before i finished my work. i had a mini panic attack. (i hope his family has found solace.) one of the people on my team called me because she could tell how stressed i was and i vented to her. i told her that i felt like i was doing so much and still couldn't finish my work. i told her that i wanted to work more with her on the accounts that she was working on but the other accounts were taking all my time. she said she understood and would tell that to my boss.
this week i finally told my other boss that i felt overworked and she told me she didn't want me to work that much and that i should communicate. which made me feel very good. she also told me they were gonna take me off the heavy account because they knew it was crazy.
which leads me into yesterday - where i heard the best news since i got hired. i am going to be working on the luxury / lifestyle brands!!! in my interview i told them that i see my self at LVMH and i am so happy they are ready to tailor the accounts to my needs and my growth! i haven't been this happy since i got hired.
working in pr/communications is perfect for me. i need these 2 years of experience so i can go to NYU to get my MBA in luxury marketing. and please, remind me in 2 years, when i have no money, that i am doing this for my future and nothing comes from safe choices. all my life i've felt like i've been making (relatively) safe choices and i am happy i've gotten this far but i really need to suffer before i can become as successful as i want.
i hope that by you reading this my story serves as somewhat as an inspiration for you. go for what you want and don't let people tell you know. talk to people, be friends with people, apply where you think they're going to reject you. i know how hard it is out there and i know how rare it is for a new graduate to find a career job in only a few months, but try until you can't try anymore. people ask me for career advice which i find so funny cause i was that same person only a few weeks ago. as cheesy as it all sounds - don't give up.
i've grown so much in the past couple years - especially to the people who know me from fashin. i can't believe where i am today.
otherwise - still no man. i met someone last week who is a total british gentleman but i was so drunk i can't even bare to see his face again. :(
yeah so i thought i would update you since i'm so busy all the time.
rest in peace grandma dorothy. i will always love you.
Sometimes I wish someone would call me "ugly", "fat", "stupid", etc. and mean it. There must be something wrong with me. 22 years of existence and no one has ever told me their in love with me. When I look in the mirror I try to find every flaw I can on why I am not attractive. If it's physical, is it my personality? I have friends and they all say they love me. I feel like there are people with worse personalities than me who have way better love lives. I know love exists cause I see it, I hear about it, but I have never experienced it from a romantic standpoint. And you wonder why I am obsessed with perfection (I need to be skinnier, I need plastic surgery, I need more money)? Sure people have flirted with me but it's never made it into a serious stage. I know my last post was about having standards, but I don't see how having standards and wanting love is contradictory? I have too low self-esteem to do anything but too much self-worth to do anything desperate. And to think I may end up in a relationship with someone who did call me "ugly", "fat", "stupid" is a sad reality.
Like the title says, I'm not saying this from a sad point of view. I am dancing to Britney at the moment. I don't cry about this at night, just get extremely frustrated. And the point of this post is not for you to reach out to me and tell me my time will come (because like me you don't even know), but it's for you to understand me a little bit better and why I act the way I act, say what I say, and do what I do. I don't do it to find love, but it's always considered.
I am a first generation college student. I was born and raised in Los Angeles, the valley more specifically, and I have not always been a successful student. Before college, I did not have a very positive self concept. I did not have a clear idea of where I wanted to be in my life and my career. Looking back, I had a really tough time because there was no set path for me to follow and that really scared me. In fact, it still does. After I graduated high school I went to community college, mostly because of a social need. I felt like I should because everyone else was going to college and I had no other idea of what to do. My first two years of college were very easy. This was a huge change from high school and middle school where I went through a magnet program and so more work was expected of me. I cannot say I had of a lot of success with my grades going through these programs. However, they really prepared me, with a huge emphasis on the Humanities magnet program I attended in high school, to be better in college than the peers I was sitting next to in my 101 classes. Sure, because I am now more mature I regret not taking more advantage of getting all A’s my first two years, however I do think I was successful for maintaining a 3.5 grade point average and not dropping out of college or university like some of my more successful peers from high school did.
I'm always so reluctant to exclaim my joy because I don't want to jinx myself;
but i'm leaving my internship this thursday and as stressed as I was, they really liked me; they appreciated me.
it almost brings me to tears when people see success in me because seeing it in myself is not enough;
i also think i may have low self esteem because i like when people like me and want me around. i think the fact i avoid rejection makes me that more scared of it;
but this isn't a sad entry, it's a happy one.
my professional success means the world to me because it is my world.
i don't know why it's taken 22 years to break out of my shell, but it's cracking slowly. and i have a lot of people to thank for that. a lot.
i know this journal might seem troubling at times but i'm really analytical about everything and have a slightly pessimistic attitude about myself but at the end of the day i realize there are bigger and better problems and everyone has their own shit they deal with.
also i think i'm bipolar...