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[25 Nov 2012|12:02pm]
i'm in a low place because every year i get to scared to actually invite people to my birthday party, but then when my birthday rolls around i get sad because i didn't do anything for my bday.

i guess i can celebrate it later, yeah?

So Update on my Last Post... [24 Sep 2012|08:25pm]
idk if i explained this, and even i don't want to read all that shit again, but basically i'm still working in the same department but i'm working on different accounts. so when i told the senior account exec today that i was being transitioned off he was like "no!!!" and even though he was being partially facetious in his reaction he straight up said "you did more work in less than a month than he (the last person in my position) did in a year." and "i wouldn't be telling this just to make you feel better."

VALIDATION!!! being overwhelmed pays off???

[22 Sep 2012|07:00pm]
so i haven't written in this for a long time and thought i should update it. should i start from the beginning? here it goes...

so after i graduated, and actually during my last semester i applied to places like crazy. i took the month of june off from my job as an office assistant at an insurance agency to find myself / have fun / focus on job applications that were perfect for my career goal.

during this break i had heard interest from a potential advertising agency, but they didn't bite. i got a job part time working in data entry at night so i was working 2 jobs for a while. it was tiring but good money.

i decided to finally reach out to my former supervisor at my old internship and he told me i couldn't have contact him at a better time. he told me positions were about to open and he would submit my resume. i followed up with him 2 weeks later cause i didn't hear anything and he told me to wait. (the absolute worst thing to hear.)

a few weeks later, maybe more like days, i got a call from the human resources director asking me if i was still interested and i told her yes. that same week she asked me if i could come in the net day to interview. i said yes. i went in for the interview nervous but happy i finally got an interview because that's the least that i wanted. i left feeling content and then 2 hours later i was offered the position.

i was ecstatic. it's everything i wanted. unfortunately they only have me a few days to leave my former job but i wanted it so i did it. leaving my day job wasn't hard because they understood and i've been with them for 2 years. however it was hard leaving the night job. not because it was the bank being an asshole but it was the staffing company that found me the job that were assholes. he said i could never work at the bank or another staffing company again but i didn't care. (staffing companies are assholes)

i started my job about 3 weeks ago and it was overwhelming. still is. so much work to do however everyone is so nice there and embraced me when i showed up for my first day. my work became so overwhelming i began to do up to 11 hour days without a lunch and worked weekends too. it was so much i cried one day at my desk, while doing work, because it was so much. the next day was just as bad. someone committed suicide and we had to evacuate the building before i finished my work. i had a mini panic attack. (i hope his family has found solace.) one of the people on my team called me because she could tell how stressed i was and i vented to her. i told her that i felt like i was doing so much and still couldn't finish my work. i told her that i wanted to work more with her on the accounts that she was working on but the other accounts were taking all my time. she said she understood and would tell that to my boss.

this week i finally told my other boss that i felt overworked and she told me she didn't want me to work that much and that i should communicate. which made me feel very good. she also told me they were gonna take me off the heavy account because they knew it was crazy.

which leads me into yesterday - where i heard the best news since i got hired. i am going to be working on the luxury / lifestyle brands!!! in my interview i told them that i see my self at LVMH and i am so happy they are ready to tailor the accounts to my needs and my growth! i haven't been this happy since i got hired.

working in pr/communications is perfect for me. i need these 2 years of experience so i can go to NYU to get my MBA in luxury marketing. and please, remind me in 2 years, when i have no money, that i am doing this for my future and nothing comes from safe choices. all my life i've felt like i've been making (relatively) safe choices and i am happy i've gotten this far but i really need to suffer before i can become as successful as i want.

i hope that by you reading this my story serves as somewhat as an inspiration for you. go for what you want and don't let people tell you know. talk to people, be friends with people, apply where you think they're going to reject you. i know how hard it is out there and i know how rare it is for a new graduate to find a career job in only a few months, but try until you can't try anymore. people ask me for career advice which i find so funny cause i was that same person only a few weeks ago. as cheesy as it all sounds - don't give up.

i've grown so much in the past couple years - especially to the people who know me from fashin. i can't believe where i am today.

otherwise - still no man. i met someone last week who is a total british gentleman but i was so drunk i can't even bare to see his face again. :(

yeah so i thought i would update you since i'm so busy all the time.
3 comments|post comment

[08 Jun 2012|08:48am]
rest in peace grandma dorothy. i will always love you.

From a Calm and Strangely Content Place... [02 Feb 2012|01:47am]
Sometimes I wish someone would call me "ugly", "fat", "stupid", etc. and mean it. There must be something wrong with me. 22 years of existence and no one has ever told me their in love with me. When I look in the mirror I try to find every flaw I can on why I am not attractive. If it's physical, is it my personality? I have friends and they all say they love me. I feel like there are people with worse personalities than me who have way better love lives. I know love exists cause I see it, I hear about it, but I have never experienced it from a romantic standpoint. And you wonder why I am obsessed with perfection (I need to be skinnier, I need plastic surgery, I need more money)? Sure people have flirted with me but it's never made it into a serious stage. I know my last post was about having standards, but I don't see how having standards and wanting love is contradictory? I have too low self-esteem to do anything but too much self-worth to do anything desperate. And to think I may end up in a relationship with someone who did call me "ugly", "fat", "stupid" is a sad reality.

Like the title says, I'm not saying this from a sad point of view. I am dancing to Britney at the moment. I don't cry about this at night, just get extremely frustrated. And the point of this post is not for you to reach out to me and tell me my time will come (because like me you don't even know), but it's for you to understand me a little bit better and why I act the way I act, say what I say, and do what I do. I don't do it to find love, but it's always considered.

I Don't Have High Standards [22 Jan 2012|10:56pm]
I need a job I want out of college, not a job I can get.

I need a boyfriend to brag about, not a boyfriend who's just "there."

I need a big stash, big cash, big stash, yeah right boy I'm with that.

If you never reach for it, how will you get it?

Top Songs of 2011 [31 Dec 2011|06:17pm]
This year has been hectic for me and it was a challenge to stay up on what was going on in the rest of the world. This list isn"t complete and was compiled in about 15 minutes. These songs were the ones that kept me connected to the rest of the world in some way. They"re not in order either. I do listen to more than just pop music ok!!!Collapse )
3 comments|post comment

You Think You Know Me? You Have No Idea. [16 Dec 2011|05:59am]
I am a first generation college student. I was born and raised in Los Angeles, the valley more specifically, and I have not always been a successful student. Before college, I did not have a very positive self concept. I did not have a clear idea of where I wanted to be in my life and my career. Looking back, I had a really tough time because there was no set path for me to follow and that really scared me. In fact, it still does. After I graduated high school I went to community college, mostly because of a social need. I felt like I should because everyone else was going to college and I had no other idea of what to do. My first two years of college were very easy. This was a huge change from high school and middle school where I went through a magnet program and so more work was expected of me. I cannot say I had of a lot of success with my grades going through these programs. However, they really prepared me, with a huge emphasis on the Humanities magnet program I attended in high school, to be better in college than the peers I was sitting next to in my 101 classes. Sure, because I am now more mature I regret not taking more advantage of getting all A’s my first two years, however I do think I was successful for maintaining a 3.5 grade point average and not dropping out of college or university like some of my more successful peers from high school did.

AHHHHHH (scream of excitement) [06 Dec 2011|09:23pm]
I'm always so reluctant to exclaim my joy because I don't want to jinx myself;

but i'm leaving my internship this thursday and as stressed as I was, they really liked me; they appreciated me.

it almost brings me to tears when people see success in me because seeing it in myself is not enough;

i also think i may have low self esteem because i like when people like me and want me around. i think the fact i avoid rejection makes me that more scared of it;

but this isn't a sad entry, it's a happy one.

my professional success means the world to me because it is my world.
2 comments|post comment

[01 Dec 2011|11:59pm]
i don't know why it's taken 22 years to break out of my shell, but it's cracking slowly. and i have a lot of people to thank for that. a lot.

i know this journal might seem troubling at times but i'm really analytical about everything and have a slightly pessimistic attitude about myself but at the end of the day i realize there are bigger and better problems and everyone has their own shit they deal with.

also i think i'm bipolar...

[09 Oct 2011|09:03pm]
i went to an event for my internship, that i was personally invited to help with, and it was awesome. my icon reese witherspoon acknowledged my existence! at first i was questioning the internship because everyone is so stressed. it's not the stress that bothers me, it's people who don't enjoy their job. it's interesting because i chose this internship because there was such a huge emphasis on the interns connecting with each other, which there is. i wanted this internship to meet and mingle with people my own age (i'm the only one at work under the age of 50) and it's worked. but what i didn't realize is that most of everyone that works there is also young. my supervisor, junior account executive, is 23. and when i was at the event i really connected with some of the people who work there. it's great. a lot of them even know my name and i don't know there's. which is bad i know lol.

work is good. they offered my a full time position after i graduate. which is great. but my fear is that i won't grow and do anything more than what i do now. if you get opportunities that you don't want are they really opportunities or just unwanted possibilities?

school is fucking hard. one more semester (hopefully.) nothing new on the financial side, which i am taking as a good thing.
11 comments|post comment

[30 Aug 2011|11:32pm]
i feel blessed.

oh btw if i ever get melodramatic or depressed again this semester i give you full permission to slap me.
2 comments|post comment

[11 Jul 2011|09:24pm]
i hate that when i gained confidence my academics had to suffer...

i need to get my mind right.

something in the milk aint clean [24 Jun 2011|10:24pm]
all these straight guys keep asking me if they can bottom?

My Mom Wrote A Letter To FAFSA... [15 Jun 2011|04:09pm]
Dear FAFSA and to Whom This Concerns,

I am appealing to you to re-consider Kahlil’s financial aid.

It's my understanding that Kahlil was denied aid because those concerned feel that I liquidated retirement funds to send him to college. This is not true. The fact is the funds were liquidated so that my family could stay afloat.

In 2006 around November I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer and soon after had a lumpectomy to remove the lump. As you probably know the normal course of action which is what I followed was too start Chemo after surgery. Surgery was no problem but all the things that happened after was one of the worst times of my life. Chemo made me so sick that I was never able to return to work. I was covered by disability which I applied for and was approved for one year. However during 5/2007 the financial markets froze up and I was laid off while on disability.

After my 6 months of Chemo I was so happy and started feeling better and my hair was growing back. I thought I would be able to start looking for work. However my doctor had discussed my case with their panel of oncologists and felt that I needed to do another 3 treatments that included adria miason. I consulted my husband and tried to do some research but it was all scary and of course my family wanted me to do whatever it took to protect my life. I started adria miason and had to be hospitalized twice. The reaction I had was so horrible, my skin was melting from my face, my hair fell out again (by the way it never grew back).

I have since recovered my skin is fine but I’m now treated for congestive heart failure.
Keep in mind that while out of work my husband and I had to pay for our medical plan without any assistance with it at all.

As I recovered through the multitude of doctors I looked for work and found nothing. The markets were still frozen. My back ground is production mortgage underwriting and there were no jobs.

My skills were now needed on the post closing side, however being out of work for 2 years hurt my chances of gaining employment quickly. I was not employed until 5/2010. (What a blessing)

The year I was without work or disability required that I liquidate funds for survival. I was so happy that Kahlil stayed home to go to CSUN so that he would not have to worry about housing, which was the best we could do.

All his life we have worked at preparing him to complete college. He will be the first to finish. We are so proud.

Please reconsider giving him financial assistance. He is worth every dime.

*tear* lol

Hi. How are you? [03 May 2011|12:27am]
 "In the long haul, regrets tend to outweigh any memory of failure."
 

This is a quote I need to start applying to my life.

Am I depressed? I honestly don't know. This semester / pass 8 weeks have been a huge roller coaster ride for me.

Today as I was in SOM I wrote down why I felt depressed. It didn't start out as a great day.

I'm failing 2, maybe 3, of my classes right now. I hate it. I turned in my graduation application a few weeks ago and now I won't make it. 

Deciding to pledge this semester was... a mistake? I'm not even sure I would have passed finance even if I didn't pledge. I'm taking it online, which was a huge mistake, and I know people who are taking it in class and that are failing.

This semester has been tough for me cause I truly underestimated the work load. I've taken 16 units before and it was nowhere near this tough. Though, those were lower division classes.

Financial aid still refuses to help me. What can I say about that?

But then again most of the people I pledged with did not do good this semester. It's not that I feel alone I just didn't want to fail? But even people I know who didn't pledge still found the work load hard.

Is this what happens? Do people fail classes all the time? I know it sounds like a dumb question and I know there are people all the time who fail classes but I always thought it was because they didn't try. I've done so well up until this point. I've never failed a class before, I have no idea how it works.
 
I wanted to graduate next semester. The internship director asked me "what's the rush?"  and it was then I realized I didn't know what the rush was. I guess I just didn't want to be one of those people in school forever. It's a sign of immaturity to me? At least if you can graduate but decide not to. Also... I can't live at home forever.
 
Now that I am a brother of this Fraternity, lol wow I still can't believe I'm in a frat, I see what it's really all about. I do enjoy the people I met but I was expecting something different? They did promote themselves as a "professional" fraternity and I feel like the professionalism is lacking? Though I've technically only been in this frat for around 2 weeks now.
 
I  wanted something to involve myself with the school and to network with influential students in the school. I can still do that, I was just expecting something different.
 
I love to party, but I don't need a group or organization to do that. Do I?
 
It's hard to measure my success this semester. I was really depressed for a couple of weeks before I  pledged. I think I decided to pledge to help get my mind off of the situation. And then I started pledging and I because depressed for another reason. Because  I could not get my shit done.
 
I learned a lot though but I  guess my problem is that I did not stick to my plan. I hate when plans change. Especially when I feel like I was in control.
 
Am I upset? I don't know.
 
I need to organize my thoughts. But it's hard.
 
I need to organize my life. But it's hard.
 
I need to not use "but it's hard" as an excuse. But it's hard.
 
I want to enjoy my life and be flexible. But it's... hard difficult challenging.
 
My life has changed. 

I  feel like I have no character. No opinions. No beliefs. 
 
I  miss my life the way it was before. Not because I enjoyed it, but because I knew it.
 
I don't like making my own decisions. I like to be spoon fed everything because I feel like I deserve it. Whether I actually do or not is another topic.
 
I feel like everyone hates me. What's worse is I know they don't. I feel like I fucked up so much this semester not only at school but with friends, family, work and I still have them all. If I was in their position I would be somewhat upset with myself.
 
10 weeks ago. Is that long? Because I've gone through so much since then it feels like years. Maybe that's why people are still standing by me, cause it wasn't that long ago.
 
In our pledging process we had to interview the brothers at least 3 times a week. Like a job interview. In my interviews I always said my weakness is that I am very hard on myself. It's true. But is it truly a weakness? This is 21 years of thinking like this, I can't just abruptly stop thinking like that. My dad is severely hard on himself and I never thought I would be like that. But you know what they say about apples and their trees. 

I said my strength was that I was goal oriented. I even told my big bro (frat) this: if I say I am goal oriented and don't come close to my goals of getting a 3.5 gpa, graduating, and going to grad school, am I really goal oriented? 
 
I want to:
Get a 3.5 GPA
Go to Stanford for my MBA
Work at LVMH as VP of Advertising
Enjoy my life and travel
 
I didn't like when people don't have goals.
 
I  thought I knew everything I could know about myself, as naive and cocky as that sounds. 
 
I need to work on my time management. 

Unexpectedly, I will actually allow replies to this post. Maybe communication will help with my feeling of disconnection from the world/you.
 
8 comments|post comment

...ok... [02 May 2011|09:20pm]
"In the long haul, regrets tend to outweigh any memory of failure."

see: last entry [18 Apr 2011|08:18pm]
in trying to please everyone and do everything successfully, i disappointed everyone and did everything poorly.

[23 Feb 2011|06:17pm]
i just don't like letting people down.

[22 Feb 2011|06:11pm]


i think she raises a good number of points.

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